The Review Garden: The Dreaded Transformers 3 review

Slag. Slag. SLAG.

So obviously this is not the DC reboot article i promised. No, it's not finished. I'll just say it: I'm bloody exhausted right now. (so much that i just published this without adding the picture. Wow.)

It's been a long couple of days at work and there's still another couple of days before my day off. Can't be helped. I got more hours then usual this week and it's School season, so I'm working with alot of hyperactive kids (not a complaint. I love my job). So, the con report and the DC reboot will be later. Hopefully one of them tomorrow--- the day of the reboot starts----and probably the other some time this week. As long as I'm, y'know, able to move.

But, instead of leaving you high and dry, I'm posting an already finished article. And what better to end this incredibly busy and stressful month with a much needed nerd rant.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my Transformers 3 review.

Heads up: There are spoilers, F-bombs...And I think I started channeling the Spoony One.


Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

So. I saw TF3. Wasn’t planning to. But I did.

Now, I did end up spoiling myself about the plot. And I knew I was going to hate it, going in. Heck, YOU knew I was going in knowing I’d hate it.

But... I really wanted to like this. I was even trying to fool myself into thinking this was okay. Why? Because my brother loves it. And frankly, I seem to be building a rep with him that I hate EVERYTHING.

Now, if you like it, that's fine. This movie isn't’ one of those movies that is so bad that everyone should hate it. Doesn’t make you a bad person if you enjoyed it.

I, on the other hand...

I tried to forget the bad and focus on the few good scenes I actually liked. I really, really, did. I wanted to sit back and at least enjoy the explosions. I mean, that's what we’re all there for, right?

So my question, to you, Michael Bay, is...

HOW THE F**** DO YOU SCREW THIS UP?!

I have never felt so utterly bored while watching things blow up! The boom-booms started. People and robots were flying all over the place, changing back and forth! Things going so fast you can barely see what’s what--- and I did not care at all. It was exactly the same as the last two movies. In fact, a few of the scenes were actually cut right from ANOTHER COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BAY FILM from 6 years ago! How lazy can you get, Bay!? And yes, that is laziness. Not an homage. Not a throw back. But probably stupidity. The man has reached Shyamalan type badness and is slowly becoming an explosion obsessed Uwe Boll

And did we really need the new agent in charge to have a prissy attitude and a hundred purses? Did Sam really need to suddenly get all self important even though last movie, he said he didn’t want to be part of this war any more? And why ISN’T anyone letting him work with the Autobots? Because he just got out of college? Are you F***ing kidding me?! And why must Carly be sexualized in every shot? First shot we see of her: Her pantied butt. No. Really. We get like 15 seconds of her butt and legs. Almost a minute before we see her face. Did we really need those pointless still shots of people who are obviously not the president mixed up with actual footage of the president? It just looked... dumb. Really. Really dumb. Did you need to drag Chernobyl into this? Why are so many Deception scenes have a sexualized edge? Is is normal for Deceptions to caress the faces of there victims before killing? Why did Sentinel refused the matrix of leadership when Optimus offered up on a silver plater, proclaim Optimus the true leader of the Autobots and five minutes later, betrays everyone, and makes himself leader? And no, I do not care how many job interview Sam fails. I don’t care what an uppity asshole his boss is. Or about him being tickled by bumblebee--- GET BACK TO THE SLAGGING PLOT!!

And, I know Bay certainly has a deep and kinda disturbing love of the military, but he sure hates the rest of the government! Why else who any human who isn’t out two main military characters be total assholes. Oh, I’m sorry, you can’t go save the world because you have to do sooooo much paper work first? Too f***ing BAD! Pick up that gun and go shoot a Decepticon you prada wearing BITCH!

I just saw independents day again. And you know what? THAT is a good f***ing film! Why? Because when the earth was being attacked, the first thing everyone did was fight back! Not calculate how much the damages would cost! And people actually tried to do something! The humans actually joined in with the fitting! Heck, the president was involved! Cause, you’d think the president would be involved with saving the world from destruction, right?

And I swear, if I hear one more character in that movie start talking in thick street slang, or stereotypical “black slang”--- Oh, That’s right! You thought the last one was racist? Just about every character talks like a “gangster” (apologies to actual gangsters), or what ever it’s called these days. No matter what age, race or gender they are! Sometimes it’s serious, sometimes it’s for laughs. There is one scene where it’s for comedic purposes, when same meets an Asian man who is... shall we say, not right in the head. But then they did it for every other character!

How about I start typing words like cluster-f*** in every other sentence? Or how about I call you guys my “homies”? Even though I never talked like that nor have I grown up in an environment where it’s normal to say that? Gets pretty annoying doesn’t it?!

Oh, and I’ve heard this for years but I’ve never felt the need to agree but... In this movie.... Optimus is a DICK! No! Really! The Autobots say they leave, the Decepticons take over, kill tones of men women and children, destroy a whole city, ruin hundreds of lives, and then the Autobots reveal they aren’t dead and Prime basically says “We needed you’re leaders to see how bad the cons are! Now we’ll save you!”

... Say what?

Oh, and he is gruesome! By the end of the movie, Optimus looked less like the guy he was in the last two movies and more like he’s parody version from Vangelus’ review. Ewww, naaaassty.

And can someone please stop this trend of introducing stupid, one dimensional characters that are only there to die horribly on screen?! Can the movie please care about someone else besides Sam, Optimus and Bumblebee? Please?! And don’t deny I’m right. You can tell exactly who the movie cares about when the sad music is on and we spend more then 2 minutes on someone during a battle without something going boom.

Oh, and I won’t spoil the ending! But let me put it this way: besides his monstrous exteriors and voice, Bayformers Megatron is now about as scary as TEAM ROCKET! ... Just as smart too!

F***. THIS. MOVIE!

*takes a huge gasp for air*

...

*exhales*

Oh wow. I needed that.

Now, that I’ve calmed down. This movie is indeed painful. Except! For a few choice scenes.

As usual, Agent Simmons is always there to brighten my day! One of the few characters that I still like. Army dudes. Still good. Laser-beak now has a voice and has suddenly become more intimidating and frightening then not only his original versions, but also Megatron. Y'know when he was still scary. Most of the “good” scenes are with the transformers... when they are talking. There relationships with each other, as much as we get anyway, are far more interesting and real then the humans'. Even during small moments, such as when Megatron is feeding his pet... metal bugs? Cybertronian sparkings? I don’t know. And as pointless as it is--- the cape does look kinda cool.

Now for actual scenes... you can almost pin point when things actually get interesting. Right around when Sam tells the Purse Bitch that Sentinel is being targeted. There's some good moments here, especially the exchanges between Sentinel and Optimus.

But when things actually get interesting is when all the Autobots pack up to leave. You get to see actual emotions here. Sam stops acting selfish and starts acting smart. And... Okay, my favourite scene this time... is with the humans. I know. I know. But I need to get this off my chest.

When I was discussing the movies with someone I was asked, "why do we need the human characters"? Why is this on Earth? Why do we HAVE to have them there?

I thought about it and... in the first movie, Sam was... us, I guess. He was being introduced to the transformers along side all of those in the audience that also didn’t know about Transfomers either. Just as the Doctor needs a companion to help introduce things to the audience, to borrow an example from another show.

But people love Doctor Who because of the doctor and not the companions. That’s what the second movie made a mistakes on. It was still too focused on the humans, and not the robot characters.

But this time, by the end of the movie, they finally got it right... the humans, I mean.

The Autobots are gone. None is left to defend Earth but the humans themselves. If aliens were to attack, yes, we would fight back. It’s the nature of most species to defend their lives, love ones and “territory”. Heck , even with the Autobots there, humans would still want to fight instead of just standing around.

So we get some beautiful scenes of humans fighting Deceticons--- with Cybertronian tech no less--- simply because they have to! Because they can’t go running to the Autobots. And what do we get out it? We watch our species fight some really tough, strong and smart robots with every bone in their body... including a gigantic metal version of the sand worms from Dune! Until the Autobots save them at the last minute... Ya. (this also means we barely get to see the actual robot battle. Which did piss me off.)

But the whole scene was good. So good that I’m not even going to get bitter by the fact that this already happened in an incredibly great comic series from a few years called “All Hail Megatron” In which Decepticons take over a city and the humans (soldier and civilian) must defend themselves against the Decepticons without the help of the Autobots. Even though that comic was far better and superior to this entire movie in every way and should totally be read by everyone. Yep. Not bitter.

So. If you like this movie. Fine. No problem. I however. F-ing. F-ing. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. HATE. This movie.

Seeya, 

 Tegan Dumpleton aka SlugLady28